I’m finally back. Though I know myself too well to make any bold promises about how frequently I’ll write content for the site in the future, I doubt there will be any more month-long dry spells any time soon. At least I had a good reason: I got married. Which basically consisted of listening to caterers, florists, decorators, photographers and all sorts of other vendors who came out of the woodwork the moment I got engaged to tell me how they can create a “vision” for my “special day” if write them checks with lots of zeros on them.

“Eighteen thousand dollars for appetizers?” I asked one caterer incredulously.

“It sounds like a lot,” she replied with the understatement of the year, “but we will execute on the vision for your special day and make it the beautiful, elegant event you’ve always dreamed of having.”

This is what all wedding vendors – especially caterers – want to talk to you about: vision. Their vision for a delicate soufflé to be served to each guest in a heart-shaped bowl; their vision for herb-crusted pork medallions with a delicate sauce drizzled over it in the shape of the bride and groom’s initials. When I explained that my vision was to not spend a lot of money on food, they came back to me with their most basic proposal: $18,000 for appetizers. Of course they didn’t actually call it “appetizers.” When you’re raking in other people’s money hand over fist you have to be good with adjectives, and throw in a few French words if possible. According to them my $18,000 would get me bites of oven-roasted pork tenderloin crostini with jalapeño butter and apricot chutney; smoked salmon torta with cilantro crème fraîche; and napoleons, fruit tartlets and truffles for dessert. Oh, and hand-crafted mint hibiscus tea and Pellegrino to drink.

When I told the catering manager how ridiculous I thought her proposal was, her response was, “But it’s your special day!” (If they had actually gotten me to pay that price the only person who would be having a special day would be the caterer herself.)

This would not be the last time I heard that phrase. Florists wanting to charge me $900 for one floral arrangement, bakers trying to sell me simple wedding cakes for $1,200, the staff at the venue encouraging me to get a $3,000 tent just in case it rained, all explained their exorbitant prices by telling me it was my special day.

At first my disgust was directed at the wedding industry, but the more I interacted with other brides the more I realized that wedding vendors are simply accommodating their market. Many (if not most) of the other women I encountered who were planning weddings basically just treated them as big photo shoots where they get lots of pretty pictures of themselves in expensive dresses. Their parents, fiancés and fiancés' parents were expected to fork over whatever amounts of money it took to make sure their weddings were lavish affairs that made all their friends impressed, and hopefully even a little bit envious. The vows that would be exchanged were the furthest things from their minds.

I sat down next to a woman named Kathy in a dress store where I was picking up some shoes. She had been in the store for five hours trying on dresses, none of which cost less than $3,500. While she was waiting for another dress to be prepared we struck up a conversation and she showed me some options for scripts for her officiant to read from during the ceremony. She hadn’t actually met the officiant yet but he’d faxed her some of his ceremony templates to look over. I asked to see the one she’d decided on. The first line read:

It is my most sincere pleasure to be here with you all to honor this sacred bond between [insert bride’s name here] and [insert groom’s name here] on this very joyous occasion.

It struck me as odd to hire a stranger to say such lofty words about their union when he’d never even met them. When I asked if she was going to spend time with the officiant and get to know him before the wedding day she gave me a confused look. “I’m sure he’ll be fine,” she said. “I hear he has a really good voice. I don’t have time anyway. I haven’t even picked out my floral arrangements yet!” And with that she skipped off to the dressing room to begin hour six of trying on dresses that cost more than some people’s cars.

Another bride I talked to had cut her guest list in half in order to afford a more expensive reception at an exclusive club. Another told me she had a recurring nightmare that one of her bridesmaids got sick and the only person who fit the dress was a woman she despised. My suggestion that, if it’s all about the dress, she should just hire actors and models for the wedding party was not appreciated.

After all this, I’m glad it’s over. Not only because I’m happy to be married to a great guy, but because a few more weeks of being surrounded by brides may have rendered me cynical beyond repair. There’s a real problem in society when most brides confuse a marriage ceremony with an ego-fest photo shoot. The fact that the entire point of a wedding is to make a lifelong commitment to your partner in front of your friends and family is a foreign concept to them. It’s just a minor detail to be dealt with after the caterer and the florist are picked out. If good friends have to be left off the list so that you may serve filet mignon instead of chicken, hey, it’s your special day.

Brides need to be clued in to the meaning of a wedding and what truly makes the day special. Who knows, it might even have a positive effect on the divorce rate if society pressured engaged couples to spend more time really thinking about the vows that they're about to exchange and the impact it will have on their lives instead of fretting over white-colored trinkets and flowers that will be thrown away as soon as the event is over. The concept should be an easy sell. It’s not hard to see that what makes a wedding day truly special is simply knowing that there’s an audience full of people who are there for the sole purpose of showing you that they love you and wish you well. Even if you serve them Spam and Cheez Whiz afterwards.