Here's a test: pick up the nearest phone and call yourself. Let it go to voicemail. When your outgoing voicemail message starts, look at your watch and measure how much time it takes from beginning to end. If it's more than six seconds, beat yourself in the head repeatedly with the receiver.

People do not understand how to use their own voicemail without wasting other people's time. Most outgoing messages sound something like this:

"Hello, this is the office of Bob Smith. If you've reached this message, I'm either meeting with clients, on the other line, temporarily away from the office, or otherwise unable to come to the phone. Please leave a message after the tone with your name, telephone number, time you called, reason for calling and best time to call you back, and I will return your call as soon as possible. Unless I'm out of the office for an extended period of time, in which case my secretary will get back to you within three to five days. Or you can call me on my cell phone at area code five-one-two, five-five-five, three-six-two-four. Thank you for calling, and have a good day."

Yes, Bob, I will try to have a good day -- although it will now be 48 seconds shorter thanks to your epic outgoing message.

I have put together the following rules for voicemail. If these rules were enforceable by law, as they should be, the world would be a far more productive place. For example: If you get 3 voicemails per day and your message is 30 seconds too long, you steal 9.1 man-hours of productivity from the world each year. (Then again, this assumes that the people who call you are productive members of society, which is doubtful.)

RULES FOR CREATING AN OUTGOING MESSAGE

1. This is not an open-mic forum for you to discuss the minutia of your life.

When your voicemail provider tells you that your outgoing message can be a maximum of three minutes, it's not a challenge. They are not going to discount your service plan in proportion to how many words you use. In fact, your outgoing message should never exceed six seconds. That is ample time to state your name and a brief greeting.

2. Do not state the fact that you can't come to the phone.

We know. The fact that we are listening to a recording of your voice rather than actually speaking with you makes it fairly obvious that you have not answered the phone. Most people have the mental capacity to comprehend the situation without you pointing out that you "can't come to the phone right now."

The most annoying offenders of this rule are the people who specifically explain that they "can't come to the phone" on their home answering machines under the theory that this deters would-be burglars who might otherwise interpret getting their machine as a sign that they're not home. According to this gem of soccer-mom wisdom, the train of thought of the criminal is something like: "I've been staking out the Smith house for days. I can't wait to get my hands on those Precious Moments collector's plates they have in there! Looks like they're gone... let's call and see... ringing... ringing... answering machine! Bingo – they're gone!... But wait! Their outgoing message just says that they can't come to the phone, not that they're not home. They all may very well be just sitting around in there and staring at the phone as it rings. They might not be gone at all! I'm certainly not going to rob their house." I hope that somewhere there's a crime ring that only targets people who do this, just out of spite.

3. It is not necessary to list the various scenarios that may have led to your not being able to come to the phone.

Nobody cares why you can't come to the phone. There is no need to make excuses for your absence. In fact, most people are probably glad not to have to talk to you.

Also, listing all the impressive-sounding things you wish you were doing as reasons why you're not answering your phone ("meeting with clients," "traveling", "on the golf course") is not going to make anyone think that you are actually impressive. If you simply must give your callers a run-through of the various circumstances that may have led to your not picking up the phone, at least be honest: "If you've reached this message, I'm either sitting on the couch eating Doritos, asleep, or on the other line with a phone sex operator..."

4. We know what to do at the beep.

It's fine to request that your callers leave a message to avoid hang-ups, but they have it from there. They know what to do. When you say "leave a message" most people understand that this does not mean for them to recite the Iliad or give you the weather report.

5. Record a message.

The only thing worse than sitting through your rambling outgoing message is sitting through a computerized voice doing the same thing. At least when you've recorded it people know it's you. The computer slowly tells callers the area code and number they've dialed, lists every possible button they can press for more options (except the button to skip the outgoing message), explains that the person they've called is unavailable, and after all that callers still can't be sure they've even reached the right person.

Simply follow all these rules and you're guaranteed to have an outgoing message that is less than six seconds. Next time we'll move onto the topic of leaving voicemails for others in a little essay I've titled You Should Be Shocked With a Cattle Prod for Every Word Over 20 That You Speak on My Voicemail.