The smoking ban craze has finally come to Austin. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was hoping that somehow it would pass us by, that the city council would be so busy passing resolutions to “oppose war” and voting for pay raises for themselves that they wouldn’t hear about the new smoking ban fad. But, alas, after most of the cities around us passed bans we should have known the Austin City council would want to get in on the action.

The council claims to have overwhelming support from the people of Austin on this issue, based mainly on the fact that their liberal friends nod their heads in agreement when they talk to them about it. They’ve been citing a survey presented by the Tobacco-Free Austin Coalition that claims that five out of six Austinites surveyed said they’d go out more if bars and venues were smoke-free. This explains why all those entrepreneurs are getting rich off of their non-smoking bars downtown. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. In fact, a smoke-free bar called the Acoustic Café did open in the entertainment district last year and closed within six months for lack of business.

My take is that the city council should stop telling people how to run their businesses and let people choose whether or not they want to patronize or work in establishments that allow smoking. According to the EPA about 3,000 people die each year from second-hand smoke. Considering that it’s not likely that 100% of those deaths could be attributed to hanging out in smoky bars, and that 3,000 is a relatively low number anyway, it seems to me that the council members are needlessly imposing their own anti-smoking views on the rest of the city.

Regardless, what I think about that issue doesn’t matter now. It’s a moot point since the council has already made their decision, and, besides, I’m a non-smoker who can’t breathe well in smoky establishments so it benefits me anyway. My right to breathe clean air is being protected. But while we’re telling restaurant and bar owners what they can and can’t do in our rights-protecting spree, I’d like to mention a few other things I have the right to that I’d like to add to the list. In addition to the ban on smoking, I propose that we ban all of the following in bars and restaurants in the city of Austin:

• Screaming children. I have the right to not be exposed to loud children in restaurants. According to the League for the Hard of Hearing a baby’s cry can reach up to 110 decibels. The maximum time you can be exposed to that noise level without sustaining hearing loss is less than 2 minutes. This is why I don’t generally hang out or seek employment at Chuck E. Cheese or McDonald’s Playland, but with this new law I won’t have to make decisions like that for myself anymore and will be able to enjoy myself in the ball pit at the ’Cheese without being exposed to harmful noise levels.
  
  
• Live music. While we’re talking about ear damage, live music shows are usually at about 120 decibels. Exposure to that noise level can only be sustained for 29 seconds without high risk of hearing loss. Earplugs aren’t always effective enough to combat this level of noise and, besides, like the non-smokers not wanting to wear smoke reduction masks, the citizens of Austin shouldn’t have to wear protective gear like that when they go out. Thus I propose that the city limit all live music shows to folk music and Gregorian chants.
  
  
• Alcohol. It pains me to say it, but in my crusade for the rights of the people we must ban alcohol at all bars and restaurants. According to the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependency, there about 105,000 alcohol-related deaths each year, many of them the result of someone who was not intoxicated being killed by someone who was. In defense of the people of Austin’s rights to not be killed by someone who’s drunk (which is much more likely to happen than being killed or even affected by second-hand smoke) it’s soda and non-alcoholic beer only from now on.
  
  
• Unhealthy foods. Actually, make that diet soda. With a JAMA study showing that 300,000 people die annually of overweight and inactivity, obesity is an epidemic. Restaurants willingly serve people food that is high in saturated fat, cholesterol, and sugars, and this has got to be stopped. Many places have no healthy items on their menu at all, and clearly customers can’t be expected to make their own decisions about where to go out to eat based on the quality of the menu. All in favor of a ban on burgers and cheesecake, say “aye”!
  
  
• People whose opinions differ from mine. I have the right not to have to listen to morons speak when I’m out in public. Yesterday I was in a café downtown and couldn’t help but overhear the table next to me applauding the drama queen Democratic senators who ran off to pose for photo ops in Oklahoma. To have to listen to them laud these fools as “heroes” and “revolutionaries” made my blood pressure rise, which is clearly a threat to my health. The Lasker Foundation warns that high blood pressure is such a serious problem that it contributes to almost 1 million deaths each year – with the incidence of idiotic opinions around here I could be dead by next week! I suggest we use a soccer-style system where you receive a series of warning cards if you violate the rules, but after those run out you get a red card, which means you’re gone.

Based on how things have gone with the smoking ban passing these new laws shouldn’t be difficult at all. Then, at long last, the citizens of Austin can go to whichever bar restaurant they choose without being threatened by smoke, noise, alcohol, fat, or idiots.