Hmm, how did this happen?

As a moderate Republican who has voted for many Democrats in my life, it pains me to see the current state of the Democratic party. All Americans need a healthy two party system to give us viable alternatives and maintain a balance in the halls of power. Right now, we have nothing close to balance.

The thrashing the Democrats just received was thorough and complete. In the final tally, the Republicans now control everything - the Presidency, the Senate by a healthy and growing margin, the House by a healthy and growing margin, the Supreme Court by a margin that is now sure to grow, and the governorships of the states. In the most sobering outcome of all, even the long tenured Senate minority leader, Tom Daschle, was thrown out of office by a hostile electorate.

Most worrying to me is that Democrats seem mystified by the thrashing they have just received. How could they not see it coming? Did you not hear your own Joe Lieberman tell you that you were on "a path to nowhere"? In order to alleviate this confusion, I have compiled my unsolicited advice for how not to suck so bad next time.

1. Get out of New York and San Francisco and meet some normal Americans.
This is your main problem. Democrats are very concentrated in small, densely populated areas of the country where they are surrounded by ... other Democrats. In that environment, it is easy to convince yourself that Kerry is charming, the media is not biased and gay marriage is the hot issue of the day.

2. Stop hiring Bob Shrum. Stay away from Terry McAuliffe and Teddy Kennedy.
Shrum is what, 0 for 8 now in presidential elections? When will you learn? Seriously, what is it gonna take? McAuliffe and Kennedy are liberals. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but it puts them outside the mainstream of America. They are toxic.

3. Find the middle and move towards it.
Clearly, you have no clue what the middle of the political spectrum in this country looks like. I have heard several "unbiased" Manhattanite news anchors ponder out loud questions such as, "Will Bush move to the middle?" Hello! He got 53% of the vote. It is you who are meandering about the fringes. You may not like the average American, but you need to at least figure out who he is, what he cares about, and pretend to be nice to him until you win something ... anything.

4. Stop manufacturing liberal causes into "issues" and trying to force them down everyone's throats.
This is a liberal specialty. Right now, gay marriage is the prime example of this. The average American does not care about this issue. They don't even want to talk about it. Not because they hate gays, but because it has not been explained to them convincingly why they should care about it. Then suddenly liberal activists are convincing liberal judges to "find" a right to gay marriage in a 200-year-old document that says nothing of the sort. This makes people angry because it is sneaky and anti-democratic. Imposing your view of what is right is a prescription for a totalitarian state. If you care about this issue, go out and educate people, and be prepared to listen to their responses. Get a dialogue going. Don't just try to hammer it through while no one is looking.

5. Your problem is not that you are "too intellectual."
I keep hearing Democrats and pundits talk about how "intellectual" Democrats like Kerry just have trouble connecting with the average guy. It takes an inherently condescending worldview to even come up with this gem of an explanation, but more importantly, it's just not true. There are smart people everywhere, and there are stupid people everywhere, especially in the media.

6. You can't "run as a conservative" if you are a liberal.
If you have spent your career being dovish on defense, raising taxes so you can spend more, and guaranteeing women that they can have an abortion up until the moment they go into labor, you just can't suddenly try to convince people that you are interested in killing our enemies, fiscal responsibility, and taking moderate stands on social issues. Find the moderates in your party. They do exist. Hint - look less north and more south. Find another Bill Clinton and moderate Republicans like me will cross party lines to vote for him, as we did in 1992 and 1996. Give guys like Mike Easley, Brian Schweitzer and John Breaux a long look. It may be too late to get Zell Miller. P.S. - Run a background check this time so you can weed out serial gropers.

7. Stand for something. Anything.
Stop running against Republicans and start running for your own vision of where you want to take this country. Any backseat-driving, whiner can criticize. It takes a visionary leader to lay out a better alternative. You may think that "anything is better than Bush," but you are wrong. Bush is not perfect, but we could do worse. John Kerry, for example.

8. Stop alleging voter intimidation.
It's not true and you know it. You played this card after the 2000 election also. The Justice Department launched an investigation and could not find a single actual person who was intimidated from voting. Continuing to say this is called "lying" and it does not reflect well on you. Yes, I know. The Ohio poll challengers were allowed at the last minute by the 6th Circuit. What you keep not mentioning in your complaints about the Ohio poll challengers is that (i) poll challengers are specifically allowed by Ohio law, (ii) both sides are allowed to have a challenger at each poll, (iii) the challenger never talks to voters, they just compare the record of who has voted to records of felons, recently deceased people, etc., and (iv) the judge that initially banned the poll challengers and had to be overruled by the 6th Circuit is married to a major Democratic contributor. No bias there. I wonder why the media doesn't cover that? And, by the way, how can a record checker who never talks to voters "intimidate" them? Do you want dead felons to vote? I thought so.

9. Spare us your smugness, or we'll smack you again.
The day after the election, Chris Matthews of Hardball explained to a bewildered Katie Couric why Bush won: "It's important to remember that 40% of the people in this country [referring to Christians] believe that God created this Earth in seven days. They see the world in very simple terms. This part of the country is not analytical."

Wow. The most offensive part of this statement is that Matthews wasn’t even trying to be condescending. He just honestly believes that the only reason people would vote for Bush is because they’re simpletons blinded by religious fervor. And Matthews isn't even among the most biased journalists. His brother was a delegate at the Republican convention for God's sake. We can only imagine how the truly uppity among you must talk about us. Actually, we don't have to imagine. We hear you all the time misquoting, misunderstanding and then insulting our beliefs about faith, family, patriotism and morality. It's not going to work. You can't call us cretins and then expect to get our vote. And by the way, we know the media is in your camp. At least make them be nice.

Finally,

10. Repeat after me, "I will never again nominate a Massachusetts liberal."
You better learn this lesson because you just got spanked by the Republicans' B-team. If you think Bush laid the hurt on you, just wait until Giuliani gets through with you. Unlike Bush, he can speak English. And he'll carry New York. You do the math.

Joe Fulwiler is a regular contributor to Buttafly and author of Fulwiler.net.