Now that The Passion of the Christ is a runaway hit, with over $125 million at the box office in the first five days, there is no question that there is a market for Christ in Hollywood.

Hollywood is currently salivating over the spin-off possibilities for the Christ franchise. Expect an eager audience to jump at the inevitable sequels, spin-offs, remakes, re-issues, prequels, homages, TV specials, cable adaptations, and on and on, down the entertainment food chain, starting with:

THE DVD
The standard DVD (with commentary by director Mel Gibson joined by a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist) and a one-hour “making of” documentary containing interviews with the cast and crew and footage of the infamous “lightning” that struck the set twice. The deluxe “collector’s” edition DVD will be released a month after the standard version and will have all the standard features plus an illustrated New Testament, Jesus action figure, crucifix, vial of red wine (blood), and Communion wafer. Plus a demo of the video game: Christ: the Gauntlet, where you carry the cross through the mob, gaining points for every step and losing points when you fall down.

THE SEQUEL: THE RESURRECTION OF THE CHRIST
After scouring the Gospels for other bloody, violent bits of Christ’s life on earth, the producers decide on the three days in the grave before the Resurrection, where Christ battles the demons of Hell and wins salvation for all humanity. Think “The Terminator Meets The Matrix,” lots of slow-motion kung-fu, demons, sorcery, and blood. Lots of blood.

THE ARTISTIC SEQUEL: CHRISTÔMON
A Rashômon-inspired film, telling the Passion story from all three points of view: Romans, Jews, and Christians . . . of course, all three tell the same story in different ways, à la Kurosawa. (To be directed by Ang Lee in a Crouching Christ, Hidden Hulk style of storytelling.)

THE RE-RELEASES
Hollywood loves an update of an old idea better than a fresh new idea. So, look for the studios to dust off the vaults and re-release any old movie that has anything to do with Christ from The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) and Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) to more marginal fare, like Cross of Iron (1977), The Pride and the Passion (1957), and How the Grinch Stole Christ(mas) (2000).

THE “INSPIRED BY” SEQUELS
Since the public liked Christ so much in the Passion, they’ll love him in . . .

Action — Lethal Weapon 5: Christ Returns. Mel Gibson directs, stars in, and produces the latest in the Lethal Weapon series, where his character Martin Riggs gets a new partner, Jesus Christ. With Murtaugh finally retired, Mel and his new partner, Christ, shed just as much blood as in The Passion, but with terrific car chases and explosions thrown in as well.

Romance — When Jesus Met Mary. Rob Reiner follows the missing 30 years between the birth of Christ and the Gospels with a whimsical on-again/off-again friendship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene, which finally answers the question: “Can a man and a woman just be friends?”

Fantasy — Lord of the Cross: The Return of the Son, The. In the great battle for Middle Earth, Christ finds the magical cross that binds them all. He sets out on a journey to Mordor to toss it into Mount Doom, with the help of a wizard, an elf, and a dwarf who has all the funny lines.

Comedy — Jesus Almighty. In the sequel to Bruce Almighty, Jim Carrey gets to be Christ for a day after he takes the Savior’s name in vain. Blood and more blood ensues in a hilarious chase from here to Calvary as Jim tries to elude the wily Romans, the bloodthirsty mobs, and those angry Jews.

THE TV SPIN-OFFS

Everybody Loves Jesus — Ray Romano takes his series into spin-off territory when his long-lost brother, Jesus, moves into his life and into his basement suite. Suddenly, Raymond is playing second fiddle to Christ in the love department.

24 — The new season of 24 kicks off with the last 24 hours of Christ’s life, when Kiefer Sutherland tries desperately to save the Christ from the cross and from the killer virus hidden in the bloody crown of thorns.

The Sopranos, BC — It is ancient Rome, and Tony Soprano is fighting to become the head of the Soprano family in the very, very, very early days of the Mob. In the first episode, Tony secretly converts to Christianity and tries to hide it from his pagan family and wiseguy legionnaires. Only his shrink (Christ) understands the torment that is Tony.

Cross of Fortune — Pat Sajak and Vanna White spin the Cross and urge the contestants to pick letters and guess phrases from the Gospels for great prizes that include the grand prize: forgiveness by the Church for all your sins past, present, and future.

Of course, this is just scratching the surface of the possibilities that await the great minds of Hollywood as they stare in awe at the box office numbers for The Passion of the Christ. Lord, their prayers have been answered. A new star has been born.

For those of you who are put off by the glorious money being made in the name of Christ, consider that if one believes in Jesus then one also must believe in the Devil. The Devil is the god of all material things, including money, fame, and glory. But then, movies are never about religion or politics or any grand belief or idea. They are about money.

So, as Voltaire said, “When it is a question of money, everyone is of the same religion . . .”

Amen to that.

Craig Forgrave’s first novel, Devil Jazz, is a satire about Good, Evil, aliens, and temptation, and unites, for the first time anywhere, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, George, Ringo, and Marilyn Monroe. And oh, yes, the main character is that Great Beast Beelzebub, or Bubba as he likes to be called. Devil Jazz is published by Emperor’s New Clothes Press and will be available in April 2004.