I quit smoking two days ago and I'm finding nicotine withdrawal to be everything it was cracked up to be. My pupils are dilated, my legs are shaking like I've caught a bad case of the palsy, I'm as ornery as a badger with a sore nose, and I'm spending 35 minutes of every hour praying for my own death. Needless to say, as I struggle through my body's coup against my brain's decision to stop the influx of the delectable sweetness of nicotine, I'm looking for someone to blame for my miserable condition. Surely, I can't be responsible for putting myself in such a state!

I think back to the reasons why I began smoking in the first place and feel as if I can safely pin the blame for my monstrous addiction on my friends. Almost 8 years ago, I was a sweet, innocent but impressionable teenager, who was unfortunate enough to wind up hanging with a bad crowd. These guys were straight-A students and deeply involved in their schools and communities. They also enjoyed the occasional cancer stick. When I showed up one day and saw them all puffing away on their smoky treats, the die was cast; in order to retain their friendship I, too, had to begin inhaling the husky flavors of Winston, Camel, and Marlboro. For a short while, I was able to maintain my level of coolness through smoking, but within two years, an odd thing started to happen: all of my weasel friends began to quit! Before long, I was the only full-time smoker among them and I found it impossible to stop. As part of some nefarious scheme (possibly in league with the tobacco companies, whose culpability I'll get to in a moment), my friends had applied their peer pressure and tricked me into smoking that first cigarette. They were able to escape the dark embrace of addiction while I became a slave to Phillip Morris and RJ Reynolds. Gee, thanks guys!

Speaking of the cigarette manufacturers, it seems like they deserve some of the blame for my current malady too. Sure, they may put those "smoking cigarettes may cause lung cancer and emphysema" warnings on the sides of the packs, but who takes those seriously? How could I not smoke when Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man were beckoning me to join them in the land of smoothness? And with a name like 'Kool,' it had to be a good smoke. In conjunction with my friends' efforts, the cancer merchants' targeted marketing of my naive teenage mind was nothing more than a clever trick to get me hopelessly addicted to their death inducing product.

So I only need go in search of less manipulative friends and a multi-million dollar tobacco lawsuit to solve all of my problems; I'll never again be tricked into stupid activities and I'll have gobs of money to boot!

It's a blast blaming other people for my problems! I can completely understand now why fat kids are suing McDonalds for serving them Big Macs and turning them into blubbering tubs of margarine. If I blame my friends and the tobacco companies for my smoking habits like those obese children blame McDonalds for their gelatinous body shapes, then my life becomes a lot easier. I end up not being responsible for anything.

It seems that if tobacco companies are responsible for people's addiction to cigarettes and McDonalds is accountable for the condition of obese children, then we are actively disregarding the concept of personal accountability. What is the ultimate result of abandoning such tenets? Lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits. Everybody wants a piece of the pie and I promise you there's an ambitious trial lawyer who's looking for his piece too. Expect gun manufacturers to be sued by victims of shootings and automobile companies to be sued by victims of car crashes. After all, with no guns or cars, people could neither be shot nor involved in auto accidents.

In regard to my smoking, I was old enough to know better and, quite frankly, it doesn't take a medical doctor to determine that purposefully putting the yellow, sticky, foulness found at the bottom of an ashtray into your lungs is likely to be a detriment to one's health. So now I sit spasming uncontrollably, knowing that the toothpick I'm chewing on is the only thing keeping me from an emotional meltdown and I'm forced to admit that it was neither my friends nor the tobacco companies that are responsible for my smoking or the current abject misery of my withdrawal.

It was all me.

chris@quorumcall.com

Christopher is Co-Director of QuorumCall.com. He currently attends a private university in Minnesota where he is completing degrees in political science and philosophy.