I’ve decided to start an advice column. Since I don’t want anyone to send me whiney emails detailing their life problems or ask me questions I don’t have witty answers to, I’m only going to address questions that I think everyone should ask me, regardless of whether or not anyone actually has. So I guess it’s more of an unsolicited advice column. Whatever.

For my first issue I’ll tackle a big one:

A: The fact that this is so perplexing to people amazes me. The question is usually thrown around rhetorically in a What’s-the-meaning-of-life sort of way, as if it’s just one of those crazy mysteries of the cosmos that we’ll never understand. As a public service I’ll clear it up once and for all.

But first, let’s review a couple of basic concepts from Human Behavior 101. 1) Each gender is evaluated on different criteria. In women’s case, the main criterion is attractiveness. 2) Humans have a natural tendency to compete with members of their own gender. Ergo, women instinctively want to feel attractive, specifically in comparison to other women. Regardless of whether or not this is the way it should be, this is the way it is. (If you don’t agree perhaps you’d feel more comfortable on this site.)

Back when societies’ mores were based on the way people actually behave rather than how they should behave, one common idea across all industrial societies was that women should dress conservatively. Though this fact usually sparks feminists to throw around phrases like “male oppression” and “sexist society,” it must have been awesome for women. The natural human instinct to evaluate yourself against members of your gender is a lot easier to manage as a woman if all the other chicks are wearing hoopskirts and long sleeves. It makes the margin of error in your competitive analysis pretty high – it’s amazing what a few layers of fabric and ruffles will do to hide cellulite – so you can relax about gaining a couple extra pounds or skipping the gym a few times. But as it becomes increasingly acceptable for women’s attire to show more and more skin, the margin of error gets closer to zero and a few extra pounds do make a difference.

We women actually do try to be logical and not obsess about our bodies (seriously). We know it’s petty and unproductive. We try to disregard that instinct to compare ourselves to other members of our gender. But when you walk down the street and pass by another woman flaunting her belly button ring and tiny pair of shorts, it’s almost impossible not to have a pang of competitiveness on some deep, gut level. And when you see this about a zillion times a day, it wears you down. (For men who are competitive at work this would be like if everyone tattooed their resume and salary on their forehead. It would get tiring if it were impossible to ignore.)

Since most of these interactions are happening on a subconscious, instinctual level, most women’s efforts to articulate the situation to their boyfriends come out as, “Do I look fat?” But what they’re trying to express is that they’re feeling demoralized and looking for an answer that is more encouraging than accurate; a supportive pep talk, not a scientific answer based an the quantity of adipose tissue on their bodies. And when someone offers encouragement one of the most important elements is tone, which is why a half-hearted “no, you’re not fat” without looking up from the newspaper doesn’t cut it.

It’s a lot like a coach’s interaction with nervous football players before a tough game. A monotone “yeah, you guys are great. I guess you’ll win” from the coach wouldn’t be very inspiring. And he doesn’t resentfully wonder aloud, “Why do you guys always want me to tell you how great you are before every game?!” Regardless of how many times he’s already said it or what he really thinks, when the players look to him before each game he pounds on surfaces and yells at the top of his lungs about how much ass they’re going to kick. (Unless he’s Carolina’s coach, in which case he’s probably at a loss for words.)

So, until tube tops and belly button rings and those awful shirts with no backs on them go back to fashion hell from whence they came, my advice to guys is to get used to their girlfriends obsessing about their weight, but understand that these conversations can be a lot less annoying if you put down the newspaper before you answer and give her some encouragement.